I had the opportunity to sit down with Caroline for a raw and honest conversation about her life—her childhood, faith, trauma, and how God brought her back to Him after years of wandering. Her story is layered and deeply personal, filled with pain, searching, and ultimately hope. In this conversation, we go through the journey—from childhood abuse to spiritual experiences, single motherhood, mental health, and rediscovering a relationship with Jesus.
Blessing: Hi, lovely to meet you. How was growing up like for you?
Caroline: That’s a big question. It was not a typical childhood, characterised by abuse. To the outsider you would never have know that. I lived in army accommodation until we settled back in the UK. I lived in Germany till I was four, then Surrey and back to Germany until settling back in the UK at the age of 7. We moved into council house after a short period on the waiting list. I am one of three sisters and I’m the oldest.
Blessing: Interesting. Were you raised in a religious home?
Caroline: Right. I think my mum had kind of been brought up in the country around Christian values. She recalls going to Sunday school in the village she grew up in until moving to the Midlands. I became a Christian at fourteen, which enabled me to have the courage to stand up to my abusers. I think God did a rescue mission on me. It was through a travelling evangelist that came to our school in an early evening gathering after school. We were in the assembly hall and they were having a conversation about God. Determined to prove that there is no God, I responded to the offer to go behind a curtain and talk to the young Christian that were there walking to talk to anyone who was interested in the conversation. I was just thinking along the lines that there were aliens and they were sitting in the North Pole somewhere, and that kind of weird stuff and Darwin’s theory of evolution. Anything other than a creator God who died for our sins. As I pulled back the curtain, which I now see as symbolic. I heard a voice, it wasn’t an audible voice and it wasn’t an imaginary voice. It was something different. The voice said my name and told me, “Why argue? I am God.” There is a significance to that comment as debating was something I could go on for more and more.
Blessing: So, from there, when you became born again at the age of 14, what happened? How was your late teens and early adulthood?
Caroline: To begin with, I felt very depressed and low because of everything that had happened in my childhood. I went to a prayer group, and the young people said, “Could we lay hands on you and pray with you?” And I literally felt a dark, strange sort of grey cloud move up through me and off out of the top of my head. I felt mentally different, lighter and colours looked brighter. It was very strange, and I now know that was healing. In my young adulthood, I think although there was healing—which I believe was from depression—the behavioral patterns that were established, what they call maladaptive behaviors, needed a lot of work. I would say that at 60, I’ve spent a lifetime trying to address that. And I am still not fully there. Some things just never fixed unless it’s by an act of God. I married somebody using all my broken boundaries and lack of insight. He said he was a Christian but was violent. I had two amazing children with him. He was also a damaged person. And often, when you are damaged, you choose from that place and attract other damage. Your lack of self-worth doesn’t always enable you to select better choices, especially if your whole family is dysfunctional. I did everything I could to try and heal myself. Despite being dyslexic, I read all the books I could and took myself to Christian seminars on raising children; no YouTube back then. I went on courses, studied people with good parenting practices. I even had some therapy and found it wholly ineffective. So I decided to go to the theory of counselling instead—understand it from that angle—and that helped me more. Even though I married their father, I couldn’t remain with him—he was too abusive. I didn’t want my children to grow up seeing that. Then I dated non Christians, and my Christian walk plummeted as you would expect. It became harder as a single mum, managing everything alone and the choice of partner I made was only one step better than being physically abusive. I remained with him for eleven years. At that same time, I took my father to court, mother had mental health issues. My grandparents weren’t nearby. I had two younger sisters and my framework had gone. By the time I was 30, I finally managed to get a divorce. I had only lived with my husband for nine months and then three months respectively, but I wasn’t allowed to divorce him for five years back in the day—because he tried to say I was the violent one and I would not accept those terms in the divorce. He was heavily into drugs before he became a christian and I hadn’t realised how much damage drugs can do at the age of 19. At 30, I started dating a Muslim man, the one I was with for 11 years. I also started an introduction to counselling course around that time. I made some lifelong friends through that, but from that point on my life was very complex and stressful. I was learning so much whilst also in psychologically damaging relationship. While trying to protect my children from the effects of my impossibly difficult choices, I became so burned out and ended up with ME/CFS by the time they were in their late teens. I became very poorly, but still needed to pay the mortage, keep a roof over our heads and I felt I needed to progress in my career to afford all my outgoings. It was a very tough time.
Blessing: Let’s go back to when you had your children. You had suffered from depression before, and still had maladaptive behaviours. Did you have postpartum depression?
Caroline: No—well, yes and no. I don’t think I identified it as that. I didn’t have a crash like other people, but I was so insecure with my first child that I requested a social worker to visit me because I was scared—scared I was insufficient. She ended up offering me a babysitting job. I know she said it jokingly to make a point to me as said she couldn’t keep visiting because I didn’t need it. That was very affirming. At that time, I had a few night terrors and visions. Medically you would class them as psychosis. I never told anyone. I saw a big demon come over my son and go to his head. I’ve had both demonic and angelic visitations in my life, so I was aware enough to know it wasn’t really there, physically. He had fallen asleep on me and I was dozing. My son he cried a lot and as a new mum I was learning. I wanted to hit the demonic thing but realized quickly there was nothing there. And I thought, “What if I had hit and it was my son’s head?” Thank God I was a Christian and aware of what it was.
Blessing: Wow. And then you went back to your husband?
Caroline: Yeah, his mum convinced me. But he was just horrible, honestly. He wouldn’t let me go through the middle room to get water for our son. I was nursing him all the time, but he needed boiled water when he became a few months old. I realised I couldn’t live like that. I had to leave again after three months. I needed to be sane and be able to get water from the kitchen.
At one point my husband said to me, “Just imagine—no one would ever know if you went missing.” I knew the implication of that and it terrified me, which was his intention.
Blessing: What!?
Caroline: Yeah. Wild. I remember walking on the street pushing a pushchair, completely dazed. It’s no wonder my Christian life dropped off. I thought maybe a non-Christian man would be better.
Blessing: Yeah, because obviously what you saw with a so-called Christian… Not everyone that goes to church is a Christian. Christianity is a way of life, not just religion.
Caroline: I mean, he was born again. He got saved in rehab around 25. But he was on drugs and wasn’t mentally well but super clever—spoke about six languages.
Blessing: Did your ex-husband ever fight for custody?
Caroline: No. It wasn’t really an option back then, but he couldn’t have taken care of them anyway.
Blessing: So how did you come back to God in the end?
Caroline: It was last year—2024. I’ve been remarried for four years. My husband is stable and calm. For the first time, I could relax. And that’s when God broke through the clutter again. His timing is perfect. I even wrote a short story, it’s taken over 20 years to get to this point. Time speeds along.
Blessing: Are you going to publish it? You could self-publish.
Caroline: I don’t know. Strange as it sounds, it was breathed into me years ago, the whole plot in a breath, in nanoseconds. That was around 1999 or 2000. I wrote the plot down in case I forgot it, but I never did. I didn’t start to write the book until COVID lockdown. I finished the short story version just after Christmas last year. It’s far from perfect, but we’ll see. I’ve told God, “It’s up to you.”
Blessing: What convinced you to come back to God?
Caroline: I started seeing the state of the world. I wasn’t watching the news—my husband would ask, “Have you seen this?” and I hadn’t but I knew things were getting bad. I was into meditation, nature, New Age, Buddhism, consciousness… But I realized you can’t meditate healing into the world. It just kept getting worse. So I talked to God. And He answered—like a flood. I heard Him say, “I will teach you.” And He did. Old Testament, ideologies, politics, Israel—everything. I’d been spiritually awakened before, but this was much deeper and a return to God.
Blessing: Since you’ve been back, how have you felt?
Caroline: Not peace in the traditional sense, but assurance. It’s a relief to hear from God again. I’ve started having spiritual dreams again. It’s like waking up from a sleep into reality.
Blessing: Yes, it’s really the hope that is found in Jesus. I recently read somewhere in Romans 5 about perseverance in suffering which eventually leads to hope in Christ. So, have there been challenges?
Caroline: My faith is stronger. I’ve lived on the other side of God’s truth for a long time. It’s not the same as when you walk with God and he speaks to you, it changes everything.
Blessing: What would you say to people who question God’s goodness because of all the bad things happening?
Caroline: You have to be careful how you answer that, especially with people who don’t walk with God, but I go back to Scripture: the heart of man is desperately wicked. No one is good but God. Something happened in Eden—sin entered. It altered our nature. It’s not just about a piece of fruit; it’s about rebellion, and possibly even a physical, genetic change. We live in a fallen world where Satan has access. God sent Jesus to rescue us. We were prevented from eating the fruit of eternal life in our sinful state—thank God.
Blessing: Sometimes, I long to be absent from the body and present with the Lord.
Caroline: Yes, but that’s the danger of New Age and astral projection. Who are you being present with? If it’s not God, it’s risky. Leaving the body is by God’s permission. These are mysteries and we must be careful about what we and who call into our lives.
Blessing: What encouragement do you have for Christians going through persecution or trials?
Caroline: Trust in the Lord. That’s huge. Get a good Bible—I prefer King James Version. Pray, but also listen. Prayer is a conversation. And God speaks in creative ways—through people, conversations and anyway he chooses. When you think you hear God, the Bible says to test the spirits. That means, look for confirmation of what you believe God is saying to you. Don’t tell everyone everything. Even in church, people are broken. Be wise, but stay connected.
Blessing: Any final encouragement?
Caroline: When I’m stressed, I often hear God’s still small voice say, “Do you trust me?” I say, “That I can do.” That’s my thing with God. You’ll have yours. Every person is unique. So find that special thing between you and God—and enjoy the journey.
Blessing: Thank you. Thank you so much.
In conclusion, Caroline’s story is a testament to the relentless love of God and the power of redemption. No matter how far you stray, His arms are always open. Whether you’re struggling in your faith, facing overwhelming life circumstances, or just curious about God—this conversation reminds us that there is always a way back. Keep seeking, keep trusting. God hasn’t forgotten you.
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”
1 John 4:10 NIV
Prayer: Dear God, thank you for everything. Help me to draw closer to you. In Jesus precious name, amen.
I have included the first chapter in Caroline’s short storybook below.
Chapter 1 – Mariam’s perfect timing
Would you step onto a stage without knowing your lines? No, no one would, but we all do it every day from the moment we wake up. We start the Script that we’vealready run a million times until something runs an interruption on that process. The following events are very well described in those terms so let me welcome you to take a ride into some very uncharted territories.
I woke up with a feeling that this was like any other quantum day, filled with possibilities and unknown realities. I took a deep breath, held it in and then let the breath out slowly. Picking the phone up I started to select a morning meditation; thinking I had extra time. I was awake and feeling fresh. What a bonus, I was ahead of the alarm.
The smell of coffee that carried on the invisible veil winding its way upstairs beckoned me. I couldn’t hear Peety downstairs and as my mind instructed my eyes to focus more on the time on the phone, it became clear that I was not ahead of time. Oh no the alarm had not gone off and that was the reason I couldn’t hear any noise downstairs.
Alexa didn’t go off, or maybe I forgot to set her?
Either way my morning routine was out of sync. A quick five breaths would have to do I thought, a contradiction I know. Following a deviated but old morning routine I quickly found myself ready; though not necessarily ready to face the day. Downing a strong coffee while reading the note which was left on the island table:
“Left coffee on as your car was still in the drive. I want to run something by you, work stuff, when I get in. Doing a double shift, should be in at around 9 p.m. if you are available?
I pondered … he isn’t allowed to talk about work so either it’s really, really serious or really, really trivial. My hands cupped the large mug and I savoured the last moments of comfort as the coffee heated now empty cup, began to cool.
Sitting on my slightly too high stool which provided me with a wonderful vantage point I basked briefly in my sun drenched room and looked out of my double doors with gratitude at the rolling hills which fell away and rose like the belly of a deep breath, exhaled from the bottom of my beautifully manicured garden. Well-manicured in a way that allows true natural beauty to take precedence; I’d like to think somewhat like its owner. How much longer could I get away with sitting so still and contemplating the life that I was so privileged to have.
The need to rush and make up for time ebbed away as if taken away in the slowing beats of my heart. Time drifted blissfully and in a moment peace and beauty consumed my being.
Normally punctual and way ahead of time to be ultra prepared; today it didn’t seem to matter. I paused as if looking in at this tranquillity and how the appropriate urgency to have a sense of speed was not present. Checking in with this strange juxtaposition I determined there must be a reason and to go with it; to keep the rush stress away and to know everything would be okay.
I opened the front door to see My Neighbor clutching her tummy.
Trixie, I said, are you okay?
“Mmm”, She groaned slightly, “yes, I think so, just feel really achy and sick, don’t think it’s Braxton.
Been overdoing things with the packing? I questioned, “are you sure it’s not contagious? At that very moment Trixie’s waters broke. Now it all made sense … and as if guided to that very moment my role was clear; get to the hospital as quickly as possible. I knew there would be a clear pathway and yet the stillness of the roads still took me by surprise. I became aware that the hospital was nearing. A dose of adrenaline kicked in as if being held back by my primary need to drive safely, not like the woman possessed I could now feel bursting out of me. I arrived not knowing how!!
I couldn’t see a wheelchair anywhere. Trixie seemed to bein no position to walk far as her contractions had increased as if following the causeway of my very own adrenaline rush. Typical of this hormone boost I took full advantage of my newly endowed superhuman strength, scooping Trixie her up and carrying her into the hospital. Trixie was only pint sized, quite demure and reminded me of a 60s wall flower type. I know, there are lots of stereotypes and judgments there, which I would not normally thank myself for later, but right now I don’t care … as is also befitting of the adrenaline fuelled hormone transportation system that I had become.
Suddenly the volume of noise switched up in my hearing … it was me, commanding assistance. I heard a kind of growling intensity in my voice as my vision widened and settled on Peety amongst the others who came rushing to my aid. “Peety!” I blurted, “thank goodness you are here!”
“Mariam, I can’t stop,” he said with a real reticence and deep concern in his voice. I knew he was pulled in two directions instantly. There was a kind of pain in his eyes that I’d never seen before, as he continued while passing and grasping Trixie’s hand briefly, “I can’t stop, I’ve got an emergency in theatre. Trixie you will be fine, they are a great team here.”
Why did I have this awful feeling? His pacifying, gentle voice was filled with pity and fear, not confidence and healthy anticipation? I mused, it must be me, all out of kilter with adrenaline still coursing through my veins.
“Okay”, I replied, as he lifted his quickly passing gaze from Trixie to me. “Talk later love,” I completed.
I returned my attention to Trixie as she was now comfortably placed on a trolley bed and moving into yet another of her very fast contractions. I held her hand and said, “everything will be fine now”. Yet somehow, I felt like I was lying to her as Peety’s eyes burned into my soul again while also recalling the tone of his words.
“Let’s get you settled in, it won’t be long now,” a very kindly and authoritative midwife said to Trixie.
I wanted to respond flippantly “Thanks, I’ve had a hell of a day,” but figured it might not go down well at this point, the time for jokes had passed.
Trixie looked quite ashen. In her little voice and sounding quite alone she said, “Mariam will you stay please?
“Of course I will, I will call work and cancel them, I will step out for a little while.” Trixie looked panicked as we were still in the thick of it. “Sorry, I have let them know quickly love as they are expecting me in. I will be as quick as I can.”
Work knew Trixy was like family to me, so they were very sympathetic, thank goodness. It was such short notice. I felt quite displaced but relieved thinking how bad things could have been if I hadn’t been there. I knew we still had a way to go but I was right by Trixie’s side for the rest of the delivery.
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