My Mental Health Journey with Scrupulosity

For a long time, I never believed in mental health struggles. I thought things like depression, anxiety, and panic attacks were just exaggerated issues—something people could simply control if they tried hard enough. I saw it as a matter of willpower, and I honestly thought people were just “blowing it out of proportion.”

That was my mindset—until a few months before I had my baby.

Suddenly, I began to experience somethings I had never gone through before: intrusive thoughts, intrusive feelings and intrusive images. They came against God, against myself, and even against people around me—even against what I believed in and my core values. They weren’t just fleeting ideas I could brush off. These thoughts stuck. They looped endlessly in my mind, and no matter how much I prayed, read my Bible, or tried to replace them with positive thinking, they grew stronger. It was like I was in a very dark hole and I could not come out. I couldn’t tell anyone in the beginning, I felt they would fade with time if I kept praying and reading my bible and also living right. I was literally trapped in my mind. The lies in my mind were vicious and illogical but OCD tried to convince me they were true, facts, logical and made sense.

I thought it was purely a spiritual attack. I prayed more, read Scripture more, lived more ‘Christianly’ and tried to fight with all my strength. But instead of relief, I felt more trapped. The harder I tried to “fix” the thoughts, the worse they became. I didn’t know what was going on with me. And who would blame me? Growing up in Nigeria, mental health wasn’t taken seriously. People only acknowledged it when someone was in a crisis—stripping in public, roaming the streets, dirty, and completely disconnected from reality. Anything else was dismissed as you just being dramatic or lacking discipline.

At a point, I realised that this is more than just a ‘spiritual attack’ I began to realize something deeper was going on. Through endless googling, I came across the term Religious OCD—also known as Scrupulosity. Finally, something made sense.

Learning What Scrupulosity Is

Scrupulosity is a form of OCD that focuses on religious or moral obsessions. For me, it meant being bombarded with intrusive thoughts, feelings and images about God, my faith, my core life values and my identity in Christ. It left me feeling ashamed, distressed, confused, and helpless.

I eventually sought help. I joined a support group, took medication, and tried therapy for a while. Slowly, I began to understand that mental health struggles are real. They aren’t about being “weak” in faith, not studying your bible or not praying enough. Just like the body can suffer illness, the mind can too. Mental health is real, the mind is a battlefield.

Faith and Mental Health

Unfortunately, in many Christian and African cultural circles, mental health is often dismissed. People say, “You just need more faith,” or “Pray harder, think positive, and you’ll be fine.” I grew up hearing those ideas, so admitting I was struggling felt like a failure. I felt it wasn’t real and I was not doing something right. In my process of ‘fixing’ the thoughts, it got worse. I thought the negative thoughts I was having was ‘my thoughts’ and I had to fix it. However, because it came with a lot of distress, I later knew ‘something is not right’. It’s like having two different ‘minds’ fighting arguing against each other in my head.

But I’ve learned that having a mental health condition does not mean I lack faith. In fact, I’ve experienced God’s presence in the middle of my darkest moments. Even when the intrusive thoughts, feeling and images are loud and overwhelming, God has not left me. His Word reminds me:

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

This journey has taught me that God can bring beauty out of pain. While OCD has whispered countless lies, I’ve found strength in His truth. I have worn the ‘belt of truth’ as I put on the ‘armour of God’ (Ephesians 6:14)

Moving Forward

I don’t have all the answers, and I’m still on this journey. But I’ve decided to keep sharing my story in bits and pieces. If my experiences can encourage even one person to know they are not alone, then this struggle will not be wasted.

Mental health is real. Scrupulosity is real. And yet, God is still real in the middle of it all. The fact is I’m struggling with my mental health and have daily OCD episodes, but the truth is my God is bigger than the struggles I face. The truth is all things work together for my good (Romans 8:28). The truth is God loves me unconditionally and he would bring beauty from the pain.

Our light and momentarily affiliation are for a moment (2 Corinthians 4:17). What gives me hope is that I would be in his presence one day without any struggles— till then, I have found purpose in the struggles and pain. I have learnt resilience, patience, empathy, love, self control and compassion. I have learnt to give up control and performance and surrender to God completely. I’m grateful for what Scrupulosity had thought me—who knows I may never have understood mental health illness was a ‘thing’ if I did not go through this journey. I give thanks to God even when I’m having hard days and I feel like giving up (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

There are lots of things I have put off doing till I feel ‘just right’ but I have had this battle for about 3 years now. I’m not going to let it stop or hinder me from achieving the plans God has in store for me. The battle may be big but my God is bigger (2 Chronicles 20:15). I don’t understand why this happened to me, but I know God is in control and that’s all that matters. The Christian walk is not about not going through life’s challenges—it’s about completely surrendering to God through Christ.

If you’re struggling, please know you’re not weak, faithless, or hopeless. You are human. And God’s grace is big enough to hold you, too.

✨ This is just the beginning of me opening up about my journey. I’ll keep sharing as I learn, heal, and grow.

Called to Priesthood